Last year I finally made my mind up.
It took me 30 years to come to such a sweet revelation. But without a doubt, I arrived.
In 2018 I found myself gambling with a lot. In a constant state of question, I wondered why I was in so much emotional upheaval. Towards the end of the year I realized it was because I was never standing on solid ground. My foundation was all types of unsteady and truth be told uncertainty infiltrated my mind.
I was trying to figure it out.
I was living in one place but fragments of my heart remained in LA. I missed my friends and my west coast connections, It was difficult to see pure, unwavering joy without it.
My relationship, my comfort, my confidence and my overall emotional stability was fair game as I tried to decide what my next best move was. I spent the entire year, with the exception of 2 out of 12 months being flighty and unsure.
I placed an unnecessary burden on myself that could have been eased by deciding.
Deciding to commit.
Deciding to choose the present moment.
Deciding on gratitude.
I was told to go where I lead, but I had to realize that where I am is where I lead. In leading, I don’t have to go. But I have to choose to stay.
Decision making has never been my strong suit. Choosing to stay… anywhere…for a long time has never been my choice.
Options, possibilities, varying outcomes, good ideas, better ideas, brighter ideas have always been my greatest opponent. It’s a blessing and a curse to be goal oriented but always see and want more.
In early November I knew that I had to make a choice. I got a call for a second interview at a multicultural agency in Los Angeles that I’d been eyeing for a long time.
The realization that they’d want me to move back to the west coast and work for them plagued my mind. All of the emphasis that I’d been placing on relocating didn’t excite me as much as the stride I had finally picked up back home in Michigan. I met the love of my life, I just launched a new business, I just solidified a direction for my current business. I just decided to practice accepting the present moment. I thought to myself, I’m finally at a stride. The wanderer in me has to reinvent herself. I had a big decision to make.
Either I go or I stay.
I chose the latter.
That was the milestone of grown up decision-making for me. What appeared to be the best opportunity for me was a blessing in disguise. It would help me overcome a plateau that I’d been battling for a long time.
How can you truly appreciate where you’re at if you’re in a constant state of “more”? What appeared to be “more” fueled me, weighed in on my conscious, deceived me.
How can you truly appreciate where you’re at if you’re constantly thinking about going?
Questions that helped me check in with myself.
This was stressful. I had to choose. I had to stop cracking open doors with the intent of shutting them rather quickly. I had to check in on my growth. I’ve prided myself on being a “wanderer”. I love to explore, but I’m no longer a wanderer. I’m a grown ass woman who desires stability as much as I desire to breathe; mental stability, physical stability and emotional stability.
In creating a big life for yourself, you have to make decisions in confidence and truth. You have to discern what is for you with faith. And most importantly you have to commit.
My greatest accomplishment in 2018 was making my mind up. Say you’re in if you’re in.